They saw the photos. They weren't invited.
Being Left Out Hurts.
Here's What Helps.
THE SHORT VERSION
Being excluded registers in the brain a lot like physical pain, so your teen's hurt is real. What helps most is not more friends or a parent stepping in. It's one or two solid friendships, a calm adult to come home to, and someone willing to go first.
Hello!
This time of year I often hear from teens about a situation they've been left out of. It may be trick or treating or a Halloween party, a Secret Snowflake or Secret Santa gift exchange in a friend group, Homecoming, or just a party with a guest list on Snap that all their other friends have been invited to.
Maybe you learn about it through a full blown meltdown, or maybe they just tell you "it's fine" in a voice that tells you it isn't.
This moment can hit parents hard too. Watching your kid get left out can drag up every cafeteria table you ever stood next to, or make you want to intervene with those that are excluding your child (probably best to not do this). So before we talk about what to say to your kid, let's start with what's happening.
What the research says
In a study, Naomi Eisenberger and her UCLA colleagues had people play a simple online game of catch while their brains were scanned. When the other players stopped throwing them the ball, a region tied to the distress of physical pain lit up. It was a small study, and social pain isn't the same as a broken arm. But it tells us something useful: "just ignore it" asks your teen to ignore something their brain treats as an injury.
The good news is that the fix isn't popularity. Lisa Damour points out that once a group grows past two or three people, it's impossible for everyone to like each other equally. Some kids will always be closer. Exclusion in a big group is often just the nature of big groups, not a plot. Her bottom line: the least stressed teens have one or two good friends.
A study of teens followed by a University of Virginia team from age 15 to 25. Close friendships at 15 meant more self-worth and less anxiety at 25. The most popular teens had more social anxiety as young adults.
That matches decades of work by Mitch Prinstein, who separates two kinds of popularity. Status is about visibility and influence. Likability is about being kind and trustworthy. Likability predicts better relationships and health decades later. Status often doesn't.
And if your young person is autistic or has ADHD, exclusion may be a more frequent visitor. Their friendships often look different too. A friend might be the person who helps them get through a loud lunch period, not the person they text every night. That still counts as a friendship.
SIDE NOTE FROM ANNA
Your young person likely doesn't care about the research when they're in the middle of friend drama, or on the receiving end of exclusion. I share it so you can keep the bigger picture in mind. As much as you may want to socially engineer a situation where your kid doesn't get left out, that will likely backfire. Instead, here's how you can approach it when and if it comes up.
Five things that help
1 Steady yourself first.
On a recent episode of Ask Lisa, Damour and middle school expert Michelle Icard talked about how much a kid's exclusion hurts parents. Their advice: tend to your own feelings before you act. Call a friend. Take a walk. Your teen needs a calm home base, not a second person in crisis.
2 Ask, don't fix.
Skip "Do you want me to call her mom?"
Seriously, DO NOT DO THIS!!
Try "What would help you feel even a little better tonight?" Dr. Sheryl Ziegler of Good Inside encourages open-ended questions like this because they build your teen's ability to solve their own social problems. Your job is to stay close, not to step in.
3 Shrink the goal.
If your teen is chasing a spot in the whole group, help them name the one or two people they actually feel good around. "Who's someone you'd want to hang out with one-on-one?" turns an overwhelming problem into a small, doable one.
4 Talk about likable, not popular.
Teens are wired to care about status, so don't dismiss it. Just name the difference. The people who stay friends for years are usually the ones who are kind, show up, and keep confidences.
5 Someone has to go first.
This one matters most for young adults, who often move, change jobs, and lose the built-in friendships of school. Psychologist Marisa Franco, author of Platonic, describes the "acceptance prophecy": when we assume people will like us, we act warmer, and they do. Encourage your young person to send the text, suggest the coffee, and assume the answer could be yes.
When to get more support
Most exclusion is painful and temporary. Talk to a therapist if your teen pulls away from everyone for weeks, starts avoiding school, or shows changes in sleep, appetite, or mood that don't lift.
Social skills are skills. We practice them.
In coaching, we work on who to reach out to, what to say, how to handle a friendship that's fading, and how to try again after a no. If your young person keeps landing on the outside, let's talk.
TRY THIS WEEK
Ask your teen or young adult one question, at a low-stakes moment like a car ride: "Who's someone you'd like to know better?" Then just listen.
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